Friday, 14 September 2012

Cause I see sparks fly, whenever you smile

Have you ever met someone and knew instantly that you liked everything about them. When they say your name you can't see or hear anyone else but them ? When they smile at you, it melts your heart. When they hug you its the best part of your day. When they want to hangout with you and you feel like the luckiest person in the world. When you're with them and they make you laugh, you feel happier than you ever have in your whole life. When they look at you, you finally understand the true meaning of someone whose beautiful inside and out. Everything they do makes you like them more and more. You can actually for once be yourself around them.
Well let me tell you about this guy I know. I feel like we all have that one guy in our lives that makes you smile even when you're not with them. Even if they aren't "yours". You can't explain how you feel to other people because you're scared if they realize how great he is they will want him to. Lets call him S. And no this isn't the same S from previous blog posts. He has to be the most amazing boy I have ever met. I knew from the moment I met him that I would like him. This all started just over 4 months ago. When I met him at work. I didn't really know him because we both worked in different areas. But I noticed him. For the longest time I thought he was dating one of the girls at work, so I didn't do anything or say anything to anyone. I remember the day I got his number, I actually asked for it. We were at a BBQ with a bunch of coworkers and he went to leave and me having a few drinks in me said "Hey we should hangout sometime, whats your number ?" needless to say, it worked and we exchanged numbers. I also thought it would be a good idea to just spill the beans with a "Hey I think you're super cute and I had to tell you, I have the biggest crush on you" text.. The next day getting ready for work I was like OMG no, why did I do that ? We didn't really talk much that day. I would go out of my way to avoid him. So finally I was like this is stupid and just texted him and made everything good. We casually started to talk more. He invited me out one night with everyone, and that was the first night I truly got to know him. We danced together, had some drinks. It was cold out that night and I had left my purse and coat in his car so when we were outside he hugged me to make me warm. A girl came up and said we were the cutest couple ever.. We both laughed and said no we were only friends. At that moment I thought to myself. DO NOT FALL FOR HIM. I saw him as such a good friend at this point. I ended up getting a new position at work as did he. So now we see each other lots. He helps me out all the time, we talk all the time. Hangout tons. Go on all our breaks together. Car rides. We even sing to each other. I just feel like I am the happiest and luckiest girl ever when I am with him. Now, as great as this all sounds, I also have been hiding my feelings. Everyone calls us out on it and askes "when will you two just date ?" "Its obvious you guys like each other" But we play it cool and just deny it. So I couldn't take it anymore. I have gone a few real dates since I have known him. He met one of them at a going away party and hated the guy and told me not to ever date him. And I have met another guy, hes super sweet and we went on a really nice date. But its not far to keep doing this knowing I have feelings for someone else. It just isn't. So I told myself I had no other choice but to tell him how I truly felt. So I did. We were out for drinks with a bunch of, and all of them always make comments about us and how we like each other. Heck his roommate was even there and she asked me how I felt about him and I lied and said he was just a friend. So we're all dancing and me and him leave to go get another drink. I thought hey this is a wonderful time to spill the beans. So I just came out with it and said "you're great I love hanging out with you" he agreed and said the same thing about me. So we went outside together, and I just sat down and looked away. He asked me what was wrong and I said "can I be honest with you ? I just.. I really really reallly reallly realllly like you, I have these stupid feelings for you and I think you're amazing and I just have to tell you" He didn't really say a lot. But he did say he liked me too but he didn't want to do this well we were both drinking. I felt as though he only said it to make me feel better, but who knows. We went back inside and everyone was still dancing. We were just standing at the table and I looked at him and asked him to hug him. So he did. But he also kissed me, and we just made out. His roommate came up afterwards and said "I thought you didn't like him" well, obviously I lied. Because I am falling for this boy and I just don't know what to do :(.
Everything seems to be good. And I said sorry for my actions and he was fine. Everything seems normal, but who knows.. I guess I will once I see him at work. I just haven't felt this way about someone for so long... Dang you feelings you really suck.

Monday, 3 September 2012

Sometimes admitting you were wrong, is the hardest part.

I have blogged in such along time. But maybe it will help clear my head about everything. I've been feeling pretty upset lately, and its weird because everything in my life is going fine. I should be happy. But then I think about how horrible of a person I really am. I am a really mean, unhappy person. Its almost like the way I act sometimes towards people makes me feel better, but it really doesn't. I am so unhappy with everything in my life, that I have pushed away the people who meant the most to me. So with that being said I am going to dedicate this to some of those people who deserve and apology, even if they never read it, or never forgive me. I will hopefully feel better admitting how I did them wrong.
Dear F : Everything with you is up and down. It has been mostly up since I moved. but you make me feel guilty for being more happy which isn't fair. I am sorry that sometimes I ignore your phone calls. And sometimes I lie and say I am busy just so that I don't have to talk you.
Dear N : I'm sorry for how our relationship is now. But I don't know how to be nice or cival with you after everything. You did a lot for me when I first got here but then its like you threw it all away and I am not sure how to forgive you. So instead I just don't really talk to you at all.
Dear JL : Where do I even start ?
I remember all the times in my life when I felt like I had noone, but at the end of the day I always had you. You were always there. And what did I do ? I let the influence of listening to other people take that away. I let everything people said become how I felt about you. You were never a bad friend, you never did anything wrong. You aren't "Toxic", you're not a bad person. You never did me wrong. We both did things to hurt to each other, but we got over it and found ways to smile and be bestfriends. I thought when I said all the horrible things I said that I wouldn't miss you, or think about you. Or ever want to see you again. I am sorry I made no time for you when I came to visit, thats not the person I am. And as much as it may have hurt you, it hurt me more to know I wasn't going to see you because of my actions. Sometimes they say if you love something let it go, if it comes back its yours and thats how you know. I guess you could say I love you, and let our friendship go and you just aren't ever coming back. I messed up. I literally lost the bestest friend I ever had, over my own words. How do you forget that ? You just don't. I couldn't tell you why I thought saying everything I said to you was okay. The fact that this is the only way I know how to appologize is pathetic. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, talk to me, or want anything to do with me again. I've cried so many times. I look at pictures of us from years ago to right up until I left. I just don't really know why I did it. You're such an amazing person, you're too good for most people. You are going places in life and you make other people jealous with how great you're doing. You have found someone who truly loves everything about you, and you deserve it. I only wish you the best in life. This has to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to write. But with this, I think I may be able to let go now. I know I won't ever forget you, but everytime I think of you I'll remember why we aren't friends, because of what I did. I truly miss you, and wish that I never let things get like this. I'm going to end it here because the tears won't stop and just hope that you know how bad I feel.

Sunday, 13 May 2012

Oh Life.

Well, obviously I suck at this blogging everything day. BUT at least I am writing one. So I left off last time starting me new job. I had my first week and loved it ! Everyone is SO nice and its a great place to work. I'm still a little bored, and haven't really gone out or met a lot of people, I hope that changes though because I am starting to feel super sad and missing everyone, I know that I can get past this but its hard sometimes not seeing your life long friends, or family. I just need to push forward.

Anyways, so whats been happening. Well funny story, I live with 5 other people. 3 of them being family. So one of the guys who rents a room downstairs is super attractive, he has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. And the other one is nice, but hes not as friendly. So this weekend I had no plans and Friday night I got home and my little cousin was having his birthday party, and there were lots of young kids here. And my one roommate was on night shifts and the good looking one usually goes back home for the weekend. So I was a little sad I wouldn't see him around all weekend. So I came home and his car was here so I was a little happy. Anyways I was super exhausted and went to bed around 11pm. I got woken up at 3am.. I was sound asleep and I hear "Nicole Nicole wake up" and here I am like "WTF" so its the good looking roomie. I was like this really cannot be happening right now. I don't really know him that well and he wasn't taking me not getting up for and answer. So I got up put on a sweater tried to look half decent and went into his room and sat on his bed and we talked til 7am. He was pretty drunk but he did sober lots. I learned lots about him, he love his mom more than anything which is super cute. Anyways, its like 7am I am super tired and he looks at me yawning and hes like "I'm going to ask you a blunt question" and he pauses and I am like.. Okay what his he going to ask, so many things go running through your head. He turns and looks at me with his beautiful eyes and hes like "Do you want to cuddle" I actually burst out laughing and had to nicely say NO.. Which sucked ass.. Seriously.. like.. baah. I don't know what I said it. But I didn't want some awkwardness the next day, plus we all know what cuddling means.. Even though he did say "Nothing sexual will happen" but lets get real. Plus the fact my cousin comes downstairs sometimes and wakes me up wouldn't have been good if I wasn't in my bed.. Kind of awkward. So I went to tell my older cousin and shes like "Did you sleep in his room.. I heard you guys talking all night" SO awkward. Anyways needless to say I am kind of regretting not cuddling. But I was told I am NOT allowed to cuddle and not to think I am allowed. We shall see what happens.

So lets talk about S, well we haven't seen each other besides one time we went for Slurpee's. But he is now back home visiting his little boys I just don't know if it would ever go anywhere. So that's all for now.

Hope everyone has a good week.

Love and Light

Sunday, 6 May 2012

That's what I love about Sunday

Well hello there. I am seriously going to make it a goal to start bloggin each day even if its just a little one. SO much has happened since I last blogged, life is so exciting.

Well lets start off with the fact I am really liking living in this smaller town. Its exciting meeting new people and finding my way around places. I also have had 5 interviews since I got here just over 2 weeks ago, as well I have got hired for a job and quit a job within a week for a new job. I got hired at Sobeys being a cashier, not the most ideal job but I figured I should take it and still look for something better. I had to beg her to pay me more than 12 an hour, seeing as I know first hand I am worth WAY more, so she offered me 14 an hour. In the meantime (I only worked 3 shifts at Sobeys and they were only 4 hours each) I continued to look for a better paying job that would have better hours and better suite me. So I applied at tons of places and finally got a call back. I went for my interview and it was amazing. You know when you meet someone for the first time and it feels like you've known them forever ? You can see the warmness in that person. Well that was my interview, we got along super well (which is great cause he is now my boss) we laughed, we also had lots of things in common, one of them being KARAOKE. I LOVE KARAOKE. I haven't gone to karaoke since moving, and I've wanted to meet people who have a love for it as well, well it turns out my new job and my new family I'll be working with, they go out every weekend to karaoke all together. PERFECT. Also, I work Monday to Friday 11-8pm have an hour lunch, no weekends, have a nice discount and make 18 bucks an hour. A much better upgrade from bagging groceries at Sobeys.

I also went out for the first time here the other night with my cousin and her coworkers. I had a blast, got way too drunk, danced alone like an idiot, talked to people, and met a cute boy. We will call him S. So I don't really recall how I started talking to S, but I ended up taking his blackberry and scanning my bar code into his phone. Then we left the place we were at and I woke up the next morning thinking "my god I feel horrible, obviously last night was good" I am still a little sceptical on it though ha ha. So I look at my phone (which had died) I plug it in and notice I have a new bbm. Its from S, saying "Morning Beautiful, hope you're not feeling to horrible today. I hope I can get the chance to take you on a real date" HOW CUTE. And he is super cute, and such a sweetie, we have been talking nonstop since yesterday morning. So he invited me over last night cause his parents were having a BBQ and a fire, I didn't go because I thought "I don't really know him its a little late and although I'm sure I'd be fine I am not a risk taker" So I nicely declined. But every Sunday his family all gets together and has big Sunday dinners and plays games which I think is super cute. So he invited me.. So this has now reassured me he isn't married or seeing anyone. Oh he is from Ontario and is out here to work. He is 29, and has 2 little boys. Although the kid thing is a little weird too me, he was super honest about their Mom. So I figure why not give him a chance ? I do love kids, and he isn't looking just to hook up which I like. I hate when you're talking to a guy and they say sexual things or make themselves seem like they only want one thing, and he hasn't done that. He seems super respectful.

So I start my new job tomorrow, and I am super excited. So I imagine I will blog about my first day and about how today goes with S. Also just wanted to give a little shout out to my BFF. I love and miss you, and can't wait til I see you soon !! And I think you and your boy are super cute. I found the picture up top and it made me think of you, and how much I miss our silly Friday nights.

That's all for now ladies, I WILL be back. Promise.
Hope everyone has a great day.

Love & Light


Friday, 27 April 2012

One step at a time

Happy Thursday
Today for me was an excellent day, I had 2 interviews. Although I have already got a job I am still looking as the job I took isn't 100% what I want to be doing, but it is still a job.
I also am a little more familiar with where I live now and we started doing my room today, so I am hoping that its done early next week.

So today I wanted to talk about steps.
The steps we take daily to make ourselves happy.
Make our friends and family happy.
The little steps we take that have a big impact on our future.
So I will break down some of my steps for you.
Step 1 : Doing what I need to do
Step 2 : Feeling 100% happy with my choices
Step 3 : Knowing I am loved & supported in what I am doing
Step 4 : Not letting fear control my future
Step 5 : Knowing at the end of the day, my life is about ME & no one else
Step 6 : Not letting someone else influence the things I want in life
Step 7 : Living everyday like its my last
Step 8 : Knowing that at the end of the day I only have myself
Step 9 : Being grateful for what I have and what I love
Step 10 : Only letting my happiness come first

Well there you have it, the steps I am living by I hope you can all live life the way you want. Life isn't always about doing what everyone else thinks is right but doing what you know is right.

Light & Love

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Always Sometimes Never

Happy hump day everyone !
I have been told I need to blog more. So I shall.
Plus having some followers would be cool as well.

Update : Since moving, it will be a week tomorrow !! I got a job  I start Monday. It's not exactly the job I came up here looking for, but its a start. I am excited, but I am still looking in the mean time for better paying jobs as I think I deserve more :)

Always ? Sometimes ? Never !

I always : Think about you & miss you
I sometimes : Think we will grow apart
I never : Listen to myself because I know that we will always be BFF

I always : Clean up the kitchen after I cook for everyone
I sometimes : Wish my younger cousins would help
I never : Ask them to help me, because I feel its my job to do

I always : Laugh at myself
I sometimes : Think I may be the funniest person alive
I never : Take myself to seriously

I always : Know at the end of the day I made the right choice moving
I sometimes : Get lonely and miss my friends and seeing my dad
I never : Really am lonely because I am with my family all the time

I always : Want the things I can't have
I sometimes : Wish I could have everything
I never : Allow my wants to out weigh my needs

I always : Watch Gossip Girl on Monday
I sometimes : Want it to be on for 5 hours instead of 1
I never : Like how they leave you guessing for a week

I always : Crave eggs
I sometimes : Think I could live on them
I never : Think its a good idea to only eat them

I always : Second guess myself
I sometimes : Think I make horrible choices
I never : Allow the feeling of fear control me

I always : Want to shop
I sometimes : Buy things I don't need
I never : Return things

I always : Say I love you to my friends
I sometimes :  Think I love my friends more than I love myself
I never : Forget to tell people what they mean to me

Sunday, 22 April 2012

What I'm Loving Sunday

Good morning lovely ladies !
Well first I'd like to say I hope you all had a wonderful weekend, and I apologise in not having more posts this last week, but it has been a crazy last few days.
I thought today I'd do a blog of what I'm loving today.

I'm loving the beautiful sunshine
I'm loving my little cousins
I'm loving being in a new place
I'm loving spending time with family
I'm loving the new love of my life Peanut (my cousins dog)
I'm loving walks around my new home
I'm loving how excited I am to finish my new room
I'm loving my friends back home
I'm loving talking to my Twin everyday
I'm loving movie nights with my cousin and her friends
I'm loving be asked advice by my cousin
I'm loving laughing
I'm loving feeling happy
I'm loving the fact I get to meet so many new people
I'm loving having PVR.. BEST thing ever
I'm loving tomorrow is Monday
I'm loving how Peanut sleeps with me every night and keeps me company
I'm loving how much everyone loves each other in my new home
I'm loving feeling like i belong somewhere.

Well ladies there you have it, what I am loving today. I suppose I should fill you all in. Well I recently just moved 9 hours from home to my cousins house. It was a very rushed last minute choice I made, but I knew I had to make it so that my life could be where I want it to be. Things just weren't going so well for me at home and I needed to break a bad cycle or else my life wouldn't ever be as good as I know it can be. So within 2 days I had all my stuff packed and was here at my new home. I'm living with my cousin Nellie and she 3 kids. So I have been spending lots of time with my younger cousin Tyra (14) and Dustin (11) my other cousin is currently living with my Aunt 13 hours away. So its a little hectic. I have also not really lived around kids or animals in such along time I was worried I might be bad at it. But my cousins dog Peanut has taking a huge love to me, and sleeps with my every night and has even stopped sleeping with my cousin since I got here, but its cute, he sleeps under the blankets and when you wake up in the morning he attacks you with kisses. We also have a cat and a lizard.. Not such a fan of the lizard but that's life. Anyways everything is wonderful down here, I am just going to go hard and get a job this week and start working and saving money. I am super excited for everything ! I don't plan on going home until July to visit everyone. And although I don't have any friends here I still talk my friends who are far away tons so it doesn't even feel like I left.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend !!

Love and Light